Filling the Gap
Filling the Gap
by Susan Downing
I make a weekly Reiki housecall to Neil, my friend Heather’s husband -we have been friends for a long time, and now Neil is bedridden, suffering from a host of neurological conditions which render him unable to speak or control his physical movements. In the past couple of months he seems to have gradually been getting close and closer to finally letting go of being here in his physical body. Both Heather and I have sensed that, and the Reiki seems to be helping the process along.
Two weeks ago, as I finished Neil’s session, Heather came in with a folded piece of fabric, a batik. She said that she and Neil had gotten it for me in May at the Cummington fair, and she had been waiting for the right time to give it to me, without knowing when that would be. I unfolded it and immediately recognized that it was a batik of Tara, an important Tibetan Buddhist deity. (One story tells us that Tara was born from a tear that fell from the eye of Avalokiteshvara, the bodhisattva of compassion.) There is White Tara and Green Tara and there are also the 21 Taras – 21 different forms that Green Tara can take to help us conquer various dangers and mental afflictions. White and Green Tara are pretty easy to tell apart, for obvious reasons, but the 21 Taras are hard to tell apart. And that is why I was amazed when as soon as I laid eyes on this Tara, I had the feeling she was Tara, Destroyer of Grasping.
I don’t know what the artist’s intention had been – Heather said there had been a whole stack of different Tara batiks, and she had taken a long time in choosing the one that felt right to give to me. What a coincidence: you see, a print of Tara, Destroyer of Grasping, hangs on my wall at home. I got it at the end of April from Joan Bredin-Price, the artist, who painted a series of all the 21 Taras (you can go to Joan’s website to see all 21 of these beautiful, non-traditional thangkas – Tibetan devotional paintings of deities.) This Tara is my favorite of all the 21, because reducing grasping is a big focus of my own practice. You can imagine how surprised I was to unfold that batik and see my favorite Tara there!
Heather remarked that she had no idea why she had held onto it for two months before actually giving it to me. But then it struck us that Neil probably needed to have Tara around for a while. Heather and I thought back and realized that Neil had begun his letting go just about the time she’d come into the house. And during this day’s session, I had felt him release what seemed like some very old pain. Evidently he was feeling free enough to let Tara move to me.
I held the batik in my hands, folded up, and as I stood there thinking about how best to display it, I felt a sudden rush of energy from it. I am someone who is sometimes skeptical of this kind of thing, but there was no doubt – the energy was coming from the folded Tara, not my hands. A powerful, sacred image. And I decided I wanted make a thangka out of it to hang up in my Center.
Four traditional thangkas – images of Buddhas and bodhisattvas painted on thick paper and then surrounded by sewn brocade frames – hang in the Center’s zendo, and I knew Tara would be the perfect addition, even though the batik is a non-traditional representation. And Heather, when she came by the Center the next day, pointed to the empty wall across the zendo from the altar, and said, “That would be a perfect place for her.” And she was right. It is a twelve-foot wall, and a traditional thangka would be dwarfed there. But the batik itself was the size of the other thangkas, so the finished piece would be very large, of a size proportionate to the wall.
Even so, I was a little nervous. Would it be in any way disrespectful or inappropriate for me to sew a thangka? I consulted Jeff Brooks. This is his view: “Authentic dharma practice does not depend how well we Westerners imitate Asian cultural forms. An American holding a horse hair fly whisk while speaking in a zendo may signal authenticity to some people; it may signal pretending to be Japanese to someone else. Having a practice space that is austere may support a kind of dharma practice. A space that has aesthetic reminders of dharma teaching and experience may support another kind. The environments we create for practice can help us be better human beings, better dharma practitioners and better bodhisattvas. What matters in them is not how well we imitate our imaginary ’pure’ Asian traditions but whether or not we know what we’re doing — and how deep our knowledge, understanding and practice is.”
And so, I felt that what was most important was approaching this task with the proper motivation and care. For starters, it seemed that I should be very careful with the actual batik – not to let it touch the ground, or let my cats lie on it!! But aside from that, I’d have to carefully choose the fabric to make the frame around it. Without a doubt, the place to go for that was Osgood’s in West Springfield, so I took my folded Tara and headed down there. Osgood’s is textile heaven – or hell, depending on your perspective. You walk in and see literally thousands and thousands of rolls of fabric, many just lying piled up much higher than you can reach, or standing upright in bin after bin. Finding fabric there can be an overwhelming experience if you don’t know exactly what you are looking for. And even if you do!
On this day, with Tara in my hand, I knew only that I was looking for medium weight brocade. And so, having found out where I could find the brocades, I paused, asked Tara to help guide me. Then I started walking. Silk brocades embroidered with flowers were lovely, but didn’t go well with the batik. Others were too thick. Still others I found appealing, but somehow lackluster. Then I came around a corner and saw before me a row of bins with fabric bolts sticking upright. All, that is, except for a roll of blue brocade which bent over and out into the aisle. I wondered whether it was meant for the thangka – it was certainly putting itself right in front of me – but it didn’t really grab me. A quiet, but sophisticated bolt of gold did. And as I unrolled it and lay Tara atop it, I knew the gold was right. But I needed a contrasting color. Still the blue bolt waited patiently, leaning silently toward me as I stood with my back to it and held Tara up next to every other fabric in the adjoining bin. But finally I listened. Pulled that big, thick bolt out, laid it next to the gold, with Tara on top. Yes. A perfect combination. What really appealed to me was that while the regularly-patterned gold was elegant and deity-appropriate, the blue had an almost homespun look to it – the raised contrasting shiny pattern looked hand-sewn and very alive, as if in motion. The two together seem to me now to express both the calm gleaming beauty of the quiet mind that Tara helps one attain and the more chaotic impulses we hope to tame during practice.
My fabric choices made, I headed to the cutting table, where one woman was cutting fabric for the line of us who were waiting. Then suddenly a second young woman (whose name is Brandy, I later learned) appeared. She cut some samples for the woman ahead of me, and then asked what she could cut for me. I gave her the blue and gold bolts, plus the buttery yellow fabric I’d chosen for the shade to go on top, and told her how much I’d need of each. Silently, she took each bolt, rolled it out on the table, slowly smoothed it and then, with what seemed to me unimaginable care and attention, cut each length of fabric. As she finished, she glanced at Tara, who was lying folded up in front of me. ”Are you making a flag?” she asked. “Of sorts,” I answered. I explained what I was planning. She smiled in what seemed to me a kind and thoughtful way as she passed my fabric across the table. I left Osgood’s so happy – not only had I easily found the right fabric for the thangka, but the young woman who had cut it could not have been more respectful or mindful. It felt auspicious.
It was only over the weekend that I was able to get down to cutting the fabric and actually sewing the thangka. I knew that I should sew it all by hand, using the shiny rayon thread I’d gotten at Osgood’s – a color named Temple Gold, believe it or not! So I cut out the pieces for the frame, using my traditional thangkas as a rough template, only lots bigger! When I actually sat down to sew, in my room at home, it felt so peaceful, the motion of the thread going through the fabric and the accompanying sound so soothing. And right away it occurred to me that it would be good to chant the Tara mantra as I worked: “Om tare tuttare ture svaha.” (It is meant to help liberate one from worldly dangers, from the three poisons of greed, aversion and ignorance, and to spur one to compassionate deeds.) Don’t know why I thought of it, but I did, so that’s how I worked: over the four days I was sewing, I sang that mantra as I stitched, and thought about what a blessing it would be to be able to bring Tara’s presence into the zendo to join the Buddha, Avalokiteshvara, Manjushri and the Medicine Buddha who already hang there.
I found it very moving to work that way. On two of the afternoons, as I sat and sewed, singing that mantra, my daughter Emily was there with me, too, sitting at the computer, playing The Sims. We joked about the seeming incongruity of the two activities, but I appreciated having her there – and she provided valuable consultation, too, helping me choose the right fabric alignment for the bottom of the thangka.
Finally, on Wednesday night, I finished the thangka. And when I went to Heather and Neil’s yesterday for my regular housecall, I took it along. I hung it up on Neil’s IV stand, so Tara could look down on him as I gave him Reiki. It seemed the right thing to do, bringing her back for a visit before hanging her in the zendo, to share her with him again. Especially since our experiences with this beautiful Tara had a common thread: she had helped him let go of some of his anxiety about moving toward death. She helped me loosen my grip, too – during the process of designing and sewing and chanting, I gained a liberating new perspective on a situation I’d been struggling with. It was like pulling loose the threads of an old, constrictive seam and restitching the pieces together in a new, beautiful way.
Tara is now hanging in the zendo on the big wall. (See the photo below.) Thank you, Heather, Neil and Brandy, for making that possible. The room feels somehow complete now. My friend Karen and I meditated there last night, and we felt fully surrounded by the presence of the deities. All gaps filled.
